Understanding children’s reactions

Children can be just as affected by an SCI as the rest of the family:

- They will need support, understanding and reassurance in order to cope and adjust to changes in the future.
- Their anxieties could be about an anticipated change of roles within the family, moving home, changing schools or making new friends if the injured relative is unable to continue living in the old family home.

“I felt a bit embarrassed by my mother’s disability when I was between 11 and 12 years old, but it soon passed and I changed to being proud. I have always felt protective of my mum and this has increased as we have both got older.”

How do children feel and react when a parent is injured? What helps them cope?

- Children are all different and how they react depends on many factors, such as their personality, how old they are and what they understand about what has happened.

Not all children react badly when a parent is injured:

- However, unlike adults, when children are upset or worried they don’t always talk about it, so it is important to look for clues in their behaviour.
- Children’s reactions and behaviours are not always easy to handle, especially when you are yourself under stress.
- It helps to remember that the things children do (good and bad!) are usually their attempt to cope with a problem – even if this does sometimes cause problems for other people.
- However difficult the behaviours and feelings, children need to know that they will be listened to and helped.

Under 2s

Babies and toddlers may not seem as if they have been affected:

However, they are very sensitive to separation from their parents (or other caregivers) and changes in their routines, and can tell when those that are looking after them are tense or upset.
It helps all children, but especially very young ones, to have their normal routines maintained as much as possible.
Keeping a calm atmosphere in the child’s presence and providing additional soothing activities can also be helpful.

It is important that young children are cared for by the smallest possible number of familiar people, to minimise the number of changes they must adapt to.

3 – 7 year olds

As children get older there may be more obvious signs that they are upset.

Children may seem clingier towards you or get upset when they have to leave you.
Alternatively, they may be more clingy with your partner/family member and reluctant to come to you.
This can be difficult and upsetting for you if it happens.
Bear in mind that it is because of the new situation and you may seem different to them.
Children usually overcome this as they get more used to the situation and realise that you are still the same person, despite the injury and being in hospital.

Changes in behaviour

Young children may have more tantrums, may seem louder (or even quieter) than they used to be, start bed-wetting again, have nightmares, lose their appetite or have fears about things that did not frighten them before, e.g. the dark, travelling in cars.
They may seem as if they are acting much younger than they are.
These behaviours are usually a sign that they are looking for attention and reassurance.

During this time children will need lots of physical contact and reassurance – They will also need reminding that what has happened was not their fault.

Children around this age learn a lot from what they see around them and by what others do.
How you speak and act will influence your child’s reactions and feelings.

The kinds of concerns that children at this age have are usually very concrete and related to themselves.

They are likely to ask questions such as “Will I have a spinal injury? Who will take me to football?” Again, reassurance is very important.

7 – 10 year olds

Children may want to talk more about what has happened and ask many questions.

Try to answer these questions as honestly as possible and support children to cope with any fears that they have.
Encourage children to talk about their feelings and give them lots of reassurance.

11 and up

Older children and teenagers, like adults, may experience a mixture of feelings such as sadness, anger and fear, and they may feel quite confused by this.

Their behaviour is likely to be quite different from that of younger children (although they may too regress to younger ways of acting).
They might not want to visit hospital and may feel embarrassed by the adult’s physical changes, such as loss of bladder or bowel control.
They may also have problems at school, either with their work or their behaviour; if they had such problems before, these can get worse.

Older children may be reluctant to share their feelings with you – but this does not mean that they do not have any.

As part of normal development, adolescents need to be able to think about themselves, and they may be struggling to cope with everything that is happening.
When they do let you know their feelings, this could be either in words or by their behaviour.
Adolescents are going through a period of pulling away from the family and getting closer to their friends and peer group; this is completely normal, but can make a family crisis difficult for them when the family is often drawn closer together.

Their reactions may be mixed and they may seem as if they do not care
(eg, refusing to visit, or help out with chores at home).

This can be difficult and upsetting.
It helps to remember that adolescence can be a time of conflict between children and parents anyway – having an injury just makes it harder to cope with.

Try not to give older children too many new responsibilities all at once

It helps not to burden them too much with your own feelings.
It is important that previous family rules remain in place, eg. the time they are expected to be home in the evening. This will help to maintain a sense of routine.

The kinds of concerns that teenagers have are often to do with justice and fairness
(particularly if you were involved in an accident).

They may, just like you, be asking themselves “Why us?”
They may feel cheated or resent any changes which are occurring in their lives.

Older children and teenagers often like to gain support from other young people the same age who are coping with a similar situation.

They may enjoy meeting other patients’ teenage children when they visit you in hospital
Or there may be groups for older children run by disabled parents’ organisations in your home area.